


Sweet Dreams

by tenmillionotters



Series: Deep Sleep [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mental Instability, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 10:46:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11311788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenmillionotters/pseuds/tenmillionotters
Summary: One pill meant a dreamless sleep. Two pills meant a long and sound sleep, if he was lucky even dreams. More than two? He wouldn’t go there. Why? Maybe because he was a coward, but he was also scared that it meant he’d overdose. Suicide wasn’t an option, not now, he didn’t know if there was an afterlife, but he heard one of his colleagues talk about it. There weren’t many Christians in Japan, but he was one of them, he said that every person that took their own life was damned to an eternity in hell.





	Sweet Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't read this if you're sensitive to any of the topics I listed in the tags.

He didn’t know how much time had passed since he sat down in the bathtub, but the warmth that the water wrapped his body in before was now robbed from him by the ice cold liquid that covered almost every inch of his body. The reflection on the its surface was alien to him, dull and bloodshot eyes, dark circles on swollen pouches, chapped lips framed by hollow cheeks and dry hair. 

Did he forget to eat again? The pain felt like a knife in his stomach, he always waited until the pain got so bad that he wanted to cry out, there was no appetite, only hunger. Now that he thought about it, there was nothing in his life anymore that didn’t go to the extremes. Sleep or no sleep, feel nothing or feel everything all at once, apathy or pure rage. 

When was the last time he went grocery shopping? He slowly got up, legs shaking. There would be no problem in going shopping now, he didn’t smell as terrible as he did before, it didn’t matter anyway, he didn’t want to appeal to anyone anymore, not even himself. 

He dried his meager body off and stared at the reflection in the mirror, he remembered a time when he wasted hours indulging in his vanity, in the sheer lust and satisfaction he felt looking at himself, now all he saw was a ghost. 

Koori slowly got dressed, thank goodness there was still a pair of boxers and socks in his drawer, maybe he should finally take care of the laundry… no tomorrow was better. Everything would just have to happen tomorrow, not today. Didn’t he already tell himself the same thing the day before? It didn’t matter anyway. 

If it weren’t for the burning ache in his stomach he wouldn’t even think of eating. The fridge was empty, there was only a small package of miso and a small container of pickled radish, not enough to ease the pain. He sighed as he realised that he really had to leave the flat again, but he didn’t have any other choice. 

The small 24 hour supermarket around the corner had become the only place he went to these days, before he would always go the extra mile to only buy fresh ingredients that suited his expensive taste, now anything from instant cup noodles to frozen fish balls was okay, the only thing that mattered was that it filled his stomach. 

Curious eyes stared at him, what did the cashier think when she saw him? She was probably still in university, staying there half of the day and spending the rest of her time here, a pretty girl but a little ditzy. One of the few people he smiled for these days, but he couldn’t bring himself to talk to her. Whatever would develop between them if they’d get closer wouldn’t be worth the pain he’d inflict on her. 

In the end he could only hurt the people he loved, push them away until they left him or were taken from him by force. It might have been healthier if he’d just admit to himself that none of it was his fault but he had to feel this pain, because at times it was the only thing he felt, the only constant that was left in his life, something he could cling to. 

When he finally reached his flat again his body went in a state he could only describe as autopilot, thinking of it now he didn’t even know what exactly happened. There was no pleasure in cooking and eating, it was necessary, a task he needed to fulfill that was all. It wasn’t like his meals tasted like anything these days, they were bland and disgusting but there was an upside to it… 

Ui laid down on his bed, smiling as blissfully as he did before his life went downhill, this was the only thing he could ever look forward too, he felt the little bottle in his hand, weighing it down. He could never take the pills without eating something beforehand, he did once, throwing up blood the next morning. 

Not now though, not now. 

One pill meant a dreamless sleep. Two pills meant a long and sound sleep, if he was lucky even dreams. More than two? He wouldn’t go there. Why? Maybe because he was a coward, but he was also scared that it meant he’d overdose. Suicide wasn’t an option, not now, he didn’t know if there was an afterlife, but he heard one of his colleagues talk about it. There weren’t many Christians in Japan, but he was one of them, he said that every person that took their own life was damned to an eternity in hell. 

… and how would he be able to see her again then? If there was something like the afterlife it was questionable whether or not a CCG investigator would end up in heaven, after all the people they killed, all the lives they took. Since when did he look at ghouls as individuals…? Maybe everything was just getting to his head, all of these worries and stress. 

Koori tasted the pills on his lips, his tongue, he chugged them down, the water pressing through his throat forcing the pills down into his stomach. All he could do was wait now, all he could do was wait… 

“Do you like it? I thought it’s too much but mama said it’s just right,” Ihei was laughing and waltzing through the room, her white wedding dress swinging with every move she made, “I hope that my husband will like it too, ah can you believe I am getting married? When I was a child I never thought that day would come and now I even got someone to guide me to the altar! Isn’t it wonderful?” 

Ui smiled tired as he kept on gazing at her, “You are the by far most beautiful woman I have seen in my life.” But seeing her like this, talking about another man made his stomach turn. Why would she marry anyone… who wasn’t him? “I am sure he’ll be happy to see you like this, more beautiful than you were ever before.” 

“You flatter me... I’m glad that you can be here with me today,” she picked up her bouquet and smiled, “You know you’re the best friend I ever had, I loved you… for a long time, I never realised being so caught up in my silly little crush for Arima, but I thought I never had a chance with you… and then he asked me out of the blue, how could I say no?” 

“But -”

“Ihei are you ready? Everyone’s already waiting for you.”

Director Washuu…? What was Furuta doing here? 

“I’m coming!”, the young bride turned to Ui, holding the bouquet of red spider lilies firmly in her hands, “Let’s go, Koori.” 

Go where? They slowly walked down a long and dark corridor, Furuta guiding Ihei towards the altar in seemingly unreachable distance, but just in the blink of an eye Koori found himself standing in a group of people. Investigator, children in white hospital gowns, staring at him with sad eyes. 

Seeing Ihei walking towards her future with another man made him choke up, his stomach turn, this wasn’t a dream he wanted to have, it felt like his brain was mocking him. Just as everyone turned their heads towards the altar he did the same thing, he didn’t want to but he had to, he felt a cold shiver running down his spine as he finally realised why the groom looked so familiar to him. 

“Kanou…?”

“Take good care of our little flower,” Furuta said, patting her head before it slowly detached from her neck, “She’s a precious good after all, isn’t she… Koori?” 

How much time had passed since he fell asleep? The sheets below him were drenched in sweat, his throat was dry and a numbing pain washed over his stiff body. 2 AM. He had 7 more hours of sleep until he had to go to work. Should he go for it…? He was exhausted, he was sick of sleeping but the pills did their work and so he drifted off into sleep again, hoping that this time he wouldn’t dream. 

Soft and gentle humming reached his ears, he slowly got up, sitting in a field of flowers, staring at a lilac sky. 

“The stars are the most beautiful during the day, aren’t they? Look at them explode… they look like a firework, don’t they?”, Ihei laughed as she put a flower crown on top of Koori’s head, “Now you’re a prince.” 

“The prince of what…?”, was she making fun of him again? 

“Melon pan and train stations,” he was such a killjoy just as usual, “But I still love you.” She let her head fall into his lap while she looked up at him, “Don’t worry, it won’t come off this time, we’re alone now.” 

“Really…? I don’t want to see you hurt again,” why did it rain? Why did it only rain on her pretty face? 

“Oh… I don’t hurt anymore, I’m okay here, in my field of flowers… I grew up in a garden but this is way more beautiful. Nobody here can hurt me, everyone’s just passing by for a visit, Kishou and all of our colleagues, they pass me by… and I stay here,” Ihei let her hands run through Koori’s hair, “I want to stay here… always.” 

He widened his eyes in terror, she wanted to stay here? Forever? 

“I hope that one day you’ll come and visit me too, but please take your time… maybe if we’re lucky you can stay here with me then,” the girl pulled him down, closing her eyes and parting her lips but before they could kiss he woke up, crying as he always did when he was forced to face reality. 

He wanted to hold her just one more time, tell her how much he loved her and forget about the mistakes he made but life just didn’t work like this. Life wasn’t fair to him not anymore, was it ever fair to him? There was a point in time when he thought it was, but it wasn’t anymore. Maybe he only pretende he was happy then… ah, no now wasn’t the time to think, he had to wash up and get ready for work. When would be the next time he’d sleep again…? 

Koori looked at the pills on his nightstand and decided that he had enough of them for the next few weeks, but in the end he always told himself he did and then came back for them only days afterwards. 

Think about work, damnit, the sooner the day would be over the better. He hated it now, arriving there, seeing everyone run into each other their voices creating this strange and perverse melody. 

“Ui, I am glad you’re here, follow me I have to show you something.” 

What did he want from him now? Did he come up with yet another brilliant creation like the oggai? God he didn’t even want to know, if he could just drop dead right here he would do it. It would make everything so much easier. 

The elevator took them deep down below the first story of the building, he felt sick going so far down, because he knew that the laboratories were located there. 

“I am sure you’ll be pleased to see my little surprise for you…”

Why did he make such a fuss about it? Couldn’t he just shut his mouth and - “I-Ihei…?” 

She was sitting in a chair before him, her skin was foul in colour and paler than usual, bandages covered up the cut on her throat. Ihei slowly raised her head, her eyes dull and filled with rage, “Koori…” Her voice was coarse and broken, “Why did you do this to me?”


End file.
